Day 28 ~ The Single Most Important Relationship Skill

Today I would like to share with you an insightful article from David Steele, CEO of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of Conscious Dating.

The Single Most Important Relationship Skill

By David Steele

The single most important relationship skill is not communication, it's taking ownership.

Successful relationships require taking ownership of your "experience."

What is Your "Experience?"

Your "experience" is what happens inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

Your experience is involuntary, it just "happens." It's neither good or bad or right or wrong. Your experience is always OK and valid.

Your Thoughts

We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express ourselves, make a decision, etc.

And some of our thoughts are judgments. A "judgment" is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event (right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc).

Facts vs. Judgments

You and a friend go for a walk. You say "It's a beautiful day."

Your friend responds "No, it sucks."

Your reaction is to be surprised. You can't imagine how anyone could experience such a warm, sunny day to "suck." Your impulse might be to argue with them- "Are you kidding? Look at that clear blue sky. It's a gorgeous day!"

This is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more relationship conflict than anything else you can imagine.

So let's take a look at this. You observe the following facts:

• The sky is blue
• The temperature is 76 degrees
• You are walking in a park

Facts are typically measureable events and can be observed through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as "Is the sky blue?" you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that it is blue (except from the color blind!). If you poll 100 people and ask "Is the sky pretty?", you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will typically get less than 100% agreement.

Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as "beautiful," the temperature as "perfect" and "comfortable," and your body "feels good" to get exercise by walking. These are meanings you've created from your experience of the facts or events.

Your friend's experience is negative. We don't know why yet, but there are many reasons why they might judge the day to "suck."

You Have a Choice

In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in your response to your difference of opinion about the day-

Option 1: Focus on the difference (e.g. "Are you crazy? Look at that blue sky and tell me it's not a beautiful day!"

Option 2: Focus on curiousity, compassion (e.g. "What's going on for you?"

The unconscious knee-jerk response is often to focus on the difference in our experiences and judgments. This choice discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn't mirror ours and leads to conflict.

It requires a conscious choice to accept differences and not impose our own experience and judgments on others. To come from a place of curiosity about and compassion for a human being who we care about who thinks and feels differently from ourselves.

The Importance of Ownership

It is not someone else's fault that you are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indifferent. It is coming completely from inside you.

The principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner provides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings we create and the actions we take.

Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don't strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judgments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and your life and relationships will suffer.

How to Take Ownership- A Four Step Paradigm

I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and Feelings-

Facts- usually a measureable event ("the sky is blue")

Judgments- the meaning we make of the event ("the blue sky is pretty")

Feelings- our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc)

Oftentimes, what we human beings do, especially when we're upset or excited, is we make judgments about something and try to make that be the fact.

"You make me so angry."

"You're a jerk."

"I love you."

"War is hell."

"Ice cream is good."

These are all judgments you might feel so strongly about you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth at the time, they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.

It all starts with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives us a certain experience.

Then, we react to our experience by making meaning of it and forming judgments.

Then, our judgments stimulate our emotions- mad, sad, glad, fear, shame.

And this all happens in the blink of an eye.

We can then react consciously or unconsciously. If we react unconsciously we will act out our feelings and judgments, whatever they are.

If we react consciously we will separate the facts from our feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and actions to take. This begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making sure you're not mixing in judgments.

Step One: Review the facts

"OK, the sky is blue, we're walking in the park together, the temperature is about 76 degrees, I just said "It's a beautiful day" and my friend said "No, it sucks."

Step Two: Review your judgments

"Hmm, I believe it's a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I judge that my friend isn't getting it at all."

Step Three: Identify your feelings

"I'm glad it's such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled and not enjoying it, frustrated and angry at their negativity."

Step Four: Make a conscious choice

Once you've separated the facts from your judgments and feelings you are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon, and which you will discard or leave alone.

In the above example you might decide to focus upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren't "getting it."

The Power of Taking Ownership

It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings; some that we want to identify with, and some that we don't. It is common to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them so strongly. It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. "I feel like you're so wrong about that!"). It is common to have conflicting reactions, such as "You're a jerk" and "I love you" at the same time. While our experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we say and do about it.

Therefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. There are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful and happy life and relationship.

For more information on this subject I recommend listening to-

Conscious Mating: Finding Lasting Love by Experiencing Your Experience here

© 2007 Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved.

Day 27 and my birthday too!

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly grateful as I have been blessed with having yet another birthday to celebrate. What a great day it has been, spent with loving family and friends. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life and really can't imagine life without them!

In addition to the magnificent time I had today I received a Happy Birthday email from Mike Dooley's "The Universe", which I include here because it is so uplifting:

Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu,
Happy Birrrrthday Dear Maeve,
Happy Birrrrthday to Youuuu!

A few years back, not so long ago, heaven and earth erupted into a major celebration with the news of your impending adventure into this very time and space. You see, someone like Maeve Crawford doesn't come along all that often. In fact, there's never been a single one like you, nor is there ever ANY possibility that another will come again. You're an Angel among us. Someone, whose eyes see what no others will EVER see, whose ears hear what no others will EVER hear, and whose perspective and feelings will NEVER, ever be duplicated. Without YOU, the Universe, and ALL THAT IS, would be sadly less than it is.


Quite simply:

You're the kind of person, Maeve,
Who's hard to forget,
A one-in-a-million
To the people you've met.
Your friends are as varied
As the places you go,
And they all want to tell you
In case you don't know:
That you make a big difference
In the lives that you touch,
By taking so little
And giving so much!

Maeve, you are so AWESOME! For your birthday, friends and angels from every corner of the Universe, including buddies you didn't know you had, will be with you to wish you the HAPPIEST of days and an exciting new year in time and space. You won't be alone!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Maeve!

Mike Dooley
Orlando, Florida, USA

PS - Maeve, this is going to be YOUR year!!

© TUT ®


If you would like to receive uplifting emails from Mike to your inbox, you can subscribe by going to The Universe website.

I'm off to finish enjoying the remainder of my birthday!

Lots of love, Maeve x

day 26 ~ goals for 2010 written!

I woke up this morning and after I completed my morning Gongyo, prayers based on the Lotus Sutra that form part of my daily spiritual practice, felt that it was about time I put pencil to paper and commit myself to writing down my goals for 2010. As I mentioned in my post yesterday, I often avoid writing things down, even though I fully appreciate the power of doing this.




One tip to help achieve goals that I read recently is to write everything down that you want and then write it all down in the past tense as though it is next year! So for example write it down as though it has already happened and you are reflecting on all of the amazing things you achieved during the previous year. This is how I wrote my goals this morning and I have to say, the exercise brought a rush of excitement that I hadn't expected. Give it a try and see how you get on.


One very powerful method for manifesting is meditation. You are reading this blog because you are interested in manifesting your true love. I have included a link to a guided meditation that will help you with the manifestation process.

I have spent so many years attending workshops and seminars, training and learning various techniques and decided that this year I am going to put all of this incredible experience to good use and incorporate it into everything I do towards fulfilling my life's purpose.

25th day of blogging for Connie Green's 30 day power blog!

I am 5 days away from completing the power blog challenge!

Everyone has their own writing style and have lots of incredible information to share. I have learned a great deal during this process and understand the many ways in which I avoid writing, even though it is something I thoroughly enjoy when I get down to it.

One of my favourite books about writing is the incredibly fabulous "Writing Down the Bones" by Natalie Naimark-Goldberg. Her style is very personal and I have read this book so many times finding a new discovery with each read.

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer within

Each time I read this book, I decide that I am going to spend time actually doing some of the exercises that are recommended, however, I enjoy reading it so much that I get carried away with the fantasy of writing and never actually do any!

When I came across Connie Green's 30 day blog challenge, I thought this would be a great opportunity to get writing daily and see what I come up with. Since beginning I have noticed the various amount of distractions that crop up from time to time and the umpteen excuses that I give myself to avoid committing myself to publishing what I have written. A huge unexpected learning curve, thanks Connie!

I have enjoyed this challenge and have learned so much thanks to Connie Green for suggesting this challenge and for providing such incredible support during the process.

24th post ~ Learning to Love

Yesterday I wrote a post about people who were afraid to commit to marriage. The divorce statistics are so high that people are afraid to stand in front of their friends and family and declare their life long commitment to each other.

So what can be done to increase the chances of finding the ideal partner, developing a loving and healthy relationship and maintain a healthy and happy marriage? Dr Robert Epstein, Professor at the University of California in San Diego, has published a book called Making Love following several years of personal research and information based on scientific studies as well as interviews with happily married couples.

Making Love blows the lid off the romantic myths that are perpetuated in films and romantic novels. The book provides useful and scientific information to confirm that people can learn to love each other. Dr Epstein discusses "Four Pillars" that are essential in the development of long term loving committed relationships. Namely :

• Commitment
• Realistic Expectations
• Intimate Knowledge
• Essential Relationship Skills

As well as writing about the subject, Dr Epstein is in the process of producing a new reality television show for American TV. This programme "Making Love" will be based on the arranged marriage process provides viewers with a chance to observe 10 couples who are strangers learning how to love.

During the programme the participants will learn things like patience and caring from various counsellors, they will have to sign a "no cheating" contract for the duration of the 10 week programme. Dr Epstein anticipates that there is potential for the growth of new relationships within this series. It may also offer viewers the chance to learn about how love grows. To read a recent interview with Dr Epstein go to the Psychologies magazine website.

There is a great deal of mystery and confusion regarding relationships and so much research has been carried out to help people learn successful strategies that they can implement to improve their chances of attracting and keeping loving, long term healthy relationships.

I suppose many people still feel that it's romantic to leave things to chance, perhaps it is. It takes time to really get to know someone! Why leave it to chance? How much more empowering would it be if we could learn the skills to make it happen?